# Losing my father...



## GreenOasis (Dec 2, 2010)

I received a message from my brother on facebook last night in which he tells me that my father is laying in a hospital bed, dying from liver failure right now. (I live in Oklahoma, they live in Indiana.) It was like a lightning shot to the brain for me, as I'd never expected such a thing so suddenly. I had just gotten done telling my brother a few months ago in no uncertain terms that my father could go to his deathbed thinking that I hated him and I didn't care...now I am faced with it and finding it hard to deal. I can't take back what I've said, so I just keep thinking about that old saying, "When God wants to punish you, he gives you what you want."

I spent most of last night crying...thinking of how my kids have never known their grandfather, and I have one, a toddler, whom he has never even seen pictures of. So many lost moments!

It's not that my father was a horrible person...he was self-centered, cheap (selfish), liked to make jokes at the expense of others, and I knew he didn't exactly "want" me growing up...but there were some good times. They (my father &amp; step-mother) took me camping a few times, "tubing" on a creek, there were family parties and they even hosted &amp; paid for a good deal of my first wedding. He also had a tendency to pick me up for visitation (my parents divorced when I was three), bring me back to his house &amp; proceed to drink beer &amp; watch boxing till he passed out &amp; I was bored out of my mind, having to "socialize" with my crazy step-mother. But now, I have to wonder if my father just didn't know what to DO with me...or how to interact. He loved &amp; played around with my brother quite a bit, but...maybe he just didn't know what to do with ME, a GIRL, &amp; figured I could just hang out with my step-mother? So many things I should've said &amp; didn't.

So...I am left to wonder if I should've "forgiven" him back when he told my brother that he'd like to "get in touch" with me again...because now, my brother tells me that his brain is so pickled from drinking so much over the years that he's not "all there" now. He was not a drunk, he just drank beer during his off hours...like regular folks drink soda.

*sigh* Anywho...all I can really do right now is to sit &amp; wonder when or IF my brother will tell me when my father dies. I can't afford to go and see him, and a phone call would be pointless, given his mental state.

I just wanted to share my sadness with folks here because...well, sometimes we need to ask ourselves whether our moral compass is pointed in the right direction. Was my father a failure? Probably...mostly...but I should've been a better person...I should've let him know that I still loved him when I had the chance. I should've let him know that I wanted him to TRY to be a better father...and who knows, maybe he would've, if he'd known how I felt about it!

So, if anyone out here has an unresolved issue with a loved one...ask yourself if you really want it to end this way, because it *could* end...any second. Ask yourself if your "honor" is more important than forgiveness.

Thanks to all who will read this &amp; give me a moment of prayer. I am trying to conduct myself in a manner in which I can remember/think about my father and the situation without it debilitating me. So, if I seem overly light-hearted, given the circumstances, it's just that I'm trying to put the issue on the "back burner"...there's nothing that I can do, so...I need to get on with the mundane of everyday existence.

-Carey Kurtz-


----------



## sporeworld (Dec 2, 2010)

You have my sympathies.

I almost lost my mom a decade ago - a long week of prayer and soul searching - "Oh, what I wouldn't give for 5 more minutes". Miracle/Surgury steps in and I get her for a decade! 10 years more years.

But however it would have turned out, I would have the same lesson to pass on to other - suffering or not. "If you only had a day left with this person, what would you want or need to sort out...? Now get moving!"

So, while I'm not offering any real words of comfort, at least I can offer some sense that you and I are not the first or last to go through this. I've resolved to pass my story on when appropriate, to try and encourge resolution in their lives if possible. Just making the effort can be liberating.

And it's a pity that you can't make it to see him, even if just for some sembalance of closure for you.

Good luck and I hope you find comfort.


----------



## LauraMG (Dec 2, 2010)

I think your dad did the best he could with the life tools he had. My dad isn't what you would consider perfect either. He smokes pot all day for goodness sake! However, I believe that no matter what conspires between parent and child that's negative, there's a deep down gut feeling that one loves the other. It's almost programed into our genes! I didn't speak to my father for 3 or 4 years, so I understand. My sympathies are with you and your family during this rough time. Sending some good vibes your way. :wub:


----------



## kitkat39 (Dec 3, 2010)

Sorry to hear all of this.... My prayers go out to you all. =)


----------



## Peter Clausen (Dec 3, 2010)

First, I'm sorry you are going through this painful experience. We all do.

I can't put myself in your exact shoes, but I think I would call him. Ask your brother to put the phone up to his ear. Say what you have to say and make peace...with yourself. You may not know for sure whether he can hear you or not, but you do know that he won't if you don't call. Maybe your brother can watch his face as you speak and let you know if any sign of recognition is given. You could try it more than once over the course of a few days.

Clearly you have conflicting emotions about this and this is the only reason I suspect you may feel better later if you do something immmediately.

All your reasons for feeling the way you do are justified and fair. Most of the negative feelings will die with the man, but you may not get another chance to say some of the other things he'd surely like to hear. An act of grace can be a great source of relief/redemption.


----------



## hibiscusmile (Dec 3, 2010)

Hoping you get to do what Peter said, I would if in your shoes. My father was a great man, my first husband also drank hisself to death, but had a kind heart and would do anything for you. Most people give what they learned growing up, doesn't make it ok for the rest of us, but a fact nonethe less. You may of not forgiven him then, but you can now, as holding a grudge will in the end only hurt you.


----------



## warpdrive (Dec 3, 2010)

Peter Clausen said:


> First, I'm sorry you are going through this painful experience. We all do.
> 
> I can't put myself in your exact shoes, but I think I would call him. Ask your brother to put the phone up to his ear. Say what you have to say and make peace...with yourself. You may not know for sure whether he can hear you or not, but you do know that he won't if you don't call. Maybe your brother can watch his face as you speak and let you know if any sign of recognition is given. You could try it more than once over the course of a few days.
> 
> ...


I could not have said it better myself, and I have nothing but the best of wishies for GO at this time.

I used to beg my sister to spend time with our aging father who she never got along with.

the man was a holocost survivor and never knew how to be a good father to her.

when he past away 4 years ago, she now regrets to this day that she never spoke to him for years.

please concider what Peter said, and may your higher power be with you always.

Harry


----------



## GreenOasis (Dec 3, 2010)

Thanks guys...I have to say, I have been thinking the same things. I don't really blame my father for all of his inadequacies...the main thing I blamed him for was being married to a greedy &lt;expletive deleted&gt;, who he was divorcing when he came down sick...she betrayed him &amp; decided to take him for all he was worth after some 30+ yrs of marriage. She was always the greedier/more selfish of the two &amp; even sold my wedding dress...that she made for me...without even asking if it would be alright! (After we had talked many times of putting it up for my daughter!) I also blamed him , to a lesser extent, for not really having anything to do with me, but as I said, maybe he just didn't know HOW to be a father to a girl. I always knew he didn't want me and I was an unplanned child (for him), so I imagine that has a lot to do with some of the negativity. But...he never beat me, he never got drunk &amp; abused me in any way, so I have to kick myself now that I didn't acknowledge his mild accomplishments when I had the chance.

My brother tells me his cognitive skills are nil...but I had thought that, if the hospital would allow, maybe I could have my brother setup a laptop &amp; webcam, so that I could at least talk to him "face-to-face" one last time. I have no idea how long he will last, so I have to hurry, if I am to do anything. If I had the money, I would put up with a TSA molestation to fly up there, but...not possible with the holidays fast approaching. I can see why so many people come to hate the holidays.  

Thanks for all the kind words, folks. I will do what I can do to resolve this before it's "too late".


----------



## dgerndt (Dec 3, 2010)

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope things will look up for you soon. I think even just a simple phone call would help ease your pain towards your father.


----------



## sporeworld (Dec 3, 2010)

Yeah, I don't have the poetry to make it sound pretty, but forgiveness (for me) isn't a transaction - I don't forgive and get something in return. It's a gift FROM me, TO me. I say good-bye to something that was (at one time) fundamental to who I am and just let it go. The other person didn't "earn it" or "deserve it". I'm just sort of cleaning house and making room for something else - hopefully something better. Houses get cluttered and we wonder why we keep those darned old things anyway - they take up so much room...


----------

