# wtf you ment to do?



## Morpheus uk (Apr 29, 2009)

My sister is constantly causing arguements with out fail all the time. And she does do it in a nasty way, while the 2% when i might cause and arguement it started off as a joke that my sister couldnt take.

Anyway shes been doing since i can remember and it does the normal tear the family apart stuff and we get these big talks from mum on how its causing stress to her and dad and that we should stop it, the kinda talk that makes you feel the sh!tte$t possible &lt;_&lt; 

But excatly how can you stop an arguement if its the other one causing it?

That bull$h!t ignoring them [email protected] dont work, just means that they know they can do it without a reaction from you and will carry on. But what really p!$$es me of is the fact that its always "stop it you two" and its "both of your faults".

###### you ment to do when its just the one? :angry:


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## Rick (Apr 29, 2009)

Ok. Calm down killer.


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## Katnapper (Apr 29, 2009)

I'm glad you are at least able to vent some of your frustrations about it here, Morph. I know you don't want to hear this, but it seems to me it takes two to argue. Yes, I realize it's probably all you can do to keep from screaming back at her, or wanting to bust her in the chops. But she only does it because she knows it gets your goat... and it works because you keep letting it get to you, and then you can't help but respond in kind.

I think the key to changing her actions is to really change how you look at, and react to, her attacks. You're going to have to do some mental calisthenics, close to the effort it takes to bend a spoon with your mind, to keep from letting it get to you. That's why the "ignoring her bullsh!t" hasn't worked so far, because you do let it get to you and you end up reacting. Think of it this way... don't give her the power to control how you react. YOU take power over the situation, and not by letting it get to you... that's exactly what she wants, and you keep giving it to her. Don't give her that satisfaction anymore! Of course she'll keep doing it, even if you "ignore" her. You don't have to "ignore" her, by the way... in fact, don't! Hold your head up and face everything she is saying and doing with your calm and controlled mind (you've prepared for this beforehand, you see). Think, "I'm NOT letting you get to me, I'm NOT letting you control my feelings, I'm NOT letting you win!!!"

Once you can control your own feelings and responses.... then, and only then, will not arguing or fighting back work. How can your parents accuse you BOTH of arguing and fighting, if they eventually see that she's the only one egging it on, and actually doing it? You don't have to ignore her! All that really is, is you trying to avoid coming unglued when her words are killing you inside. Condition your mind to listen to it, face it, and REALLY not let it bother you. You take the control... don't let her have it.

This isn't a "one-time" and it's fixed thing. You'll have to keep strengthening your mind, because she'll get even worse and pull out all the stops before it gets through to her that it's not bothering you like it used to. It'll get ugly. But you can win. Remind yourself that YOU're the one who is doing the right thing. Instead of feeling anger at her, try looking at her with humor... look how silly she looks and acts. And try seeing her with eyes of pity instead of hate. Try printing this out and reading it over and over, several times a day. Practice the new way you'll feel, and the new way of reacting to her. Practice it until you believe it and truly DO feel that way! When you can control your own feelings, and not let her control them.... that's when you will "win." Please, just give it a try and a chance. And come here to vent when needed, instead of venting back at her. Best of luck to you... may the power be with you!!!!


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## PhilinYuma (Apr 29, 2009)

Gotta love that Katt! With all respect to her, though, I suspect that you need more than just sound advice. I would not even try to help you resolve your issues with yr sister, and by extension, with yr mum, but I can give you some help with "conflict resolution skills". In other words, I can't teach you to love the girl (though you almost certainly do already), but I can give you enough basic skills to help you greatly reduce arguments (I used to do this with senior military officers and Troubled 'Teens, so no prob.).

Nothing more. I just got a Huge Parcel from Yen, so I'll send you a p.m. later, and then, if you wish, we'll get to work.

It's great to have an Extended Family, isn't it!


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## ismart (Apr 29, 2009)

Katnapper said:


> I'm glad you are at least able to vent some of your frustrations about it here, Morph. I know you don't want to hear this, but it seems to me it takes two to argue. Yes, I realize it's probably all you can do to keep from screaming back at her, or wanting to bust her in the chops. But she only does it because she knows it gets your goat... and it works because you keep letting it get to you, and then you can't help but respond in kind. I think the key to changing her actions is to really change how you look at, and react to, her attacks. You're going to have to do some mental calisthenics, close to the effort it takes to bend a spoon with your mind, to keep from letting it get to you. That's why the "ignoring her bullsh!t" hasn't worked so far, because you do let it get to you and you end up reacting. Think of it this way... don't give her the power to control how you react. YOU take power over the situation, and not by letting it get to you... that's exactly what she wants, and you keep giving it to her. Don't give her that satisfaction anymore! Of course she'll keep doing it, even if you "ignore" her. You don't have to "ignore" her, by the way... in fact, don't! Hold your head up and face everything she is saying and doing with your calm and controlled mind (you've prepared for this beforehand, you see). Think, "I'm NOT letting you get to me, I'm NOT letting you control my feelings, I'm NOT letting you win!!!"
> 
> Once you can control your own feelings and responses.... then, and only then, will not arguing or fighting back work. How can your parents accuse you BOTH of arguing and fighting, if they eventually see that she's the only one egging it on, and actually doing it? You don't have to ignore her! All that really is, is you trying to avoid coming unglued when her words are killing you inside. Condition your mind to listen to it, face it, and REALLY not let it bother you. You take the control... don't let her have it.
> 
> This isn't a "one-time" and it's fixed thing. You'll have to keep strengthening your mind, because she'll get even worse and pull out all the stops before it gets through to her that it's not bothering you like it used to. It'll get ugly. But you can win. Remind yourself that YOU're the one who is doing the right thing. Instead of feeling anger at her, try looking at her with humor... look how silly she looks and acts. And try seeing her with eyes of pity instead of hate. Try printing this out and reading it over and over, several times a day. Practice the new way you'll feel, and the new way of reacting to her. Practice it until you believe it and truly DO feel that way! When you can control your own feelings, and not let her control them.... that's when you will "win." Please, just give it a try and a chance. And come here to vent when needed, instead of venting back at her. Best of luck to you... may the power be with you!!!!


Oh my god Morph! How much is Kat charging you for this session? :lol:  :lol:


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## jacksun (Apr 29, 2009)

Morpheus uk said:


> My sister is constantly causing arguements with out fail all the time. And she does do it in a nasty way, while the 2% when i might cause and arguement it started off as a joke that my sister couldnt take.Anyway shes been doing since i can remember and it does the normal tear the family apart stuff and we get these big talks from mum on how its causing stress to her and dad and that we should stop it, the kinda talk that makes you feel the sh!tte$t possible &lt;_&lt;
> 
> But excatly how can you stop an arguement if its the other one causing it?
> 
> ...


Respond, don't react. The difference being the lack of emotional content in the "response", versus a pure emotionally driven "reaction".

Dr. Katt has said tons of great things, remember the less you say, the quicker the argument will peter out, and eventually as she isn't getting the reaction she is looking for (yes, often argumentative people want a reaction to justify "their" feelings) she'll focus her anger/resentment/dislike/problem elsewhere.

Don't react to her, stay silent when she rants, or remove yourself from the area. The ignore them stuff does work, it just takes time. When you don't feed their need for a reaction, they give up.

When she's done ranting, and goes to leave tell her to "have a nice day" in a very nice way. Do not let this person affect you emotionally, remember the problem that has caused the rant is hers, don't let her make it yours.

By getting angry, frustrated, or upset you have let her impose her attitude, mood, and problem on you, when it isn't your burden to carry. People who are like this have allowed their thoughts to control them, rather than controlling their thoughts. It's like the time you got angry, said something, and then regretted it later. Had you gotten angry, paused and thought for a second, you would likely have responded differently, and maybe not at all. Silence is golden.

_The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character; So watch the thought and its ways with care, And let it spring from love Born out of concern for all beings. ... As the shadow follows the body, as we think, so we become. - From the Dhammapada (Sayings of the Buddha)_


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## superfreak (Apr 29, 2009)

Think about getting her to see someone. All this anger can really only mean that shes unhappy inside.


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## Morpheus uk (Apr 30, 2009)

Wow,

Thanks everyone for the very helpful advise  

Think mums talk worked anyway, since then my sister`s been fine and helping me with stuff, so its back to normal for now anyway  

She just acts like a little kid, well she is a little kid, just acts slightly little-er i guess.


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## Katnapper (Apr 30, 2009)

We love ya, Morph.... ^_^


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## Dinora (Apr 30, 2009)

Morpheus uk said:


> Wow, Thanks everyone for the very helpful advise
> 
> Think mums talk worked anyway, since then my sister`s been fine and helping me with stuff, so its back to normal for now anyway
> 
> She just acts like a little kid, well she is a little kid, just acts slightly little-er i guess.


Well if she acts up again, use a water gun to her face! :angry: 


Leaves no bruises!
Leaves no blood stains!
Can't be traced back to you unless there was a witness!
Muah-hah-HAH!!! The PERFECT CRIME!!! B)


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