Zoe Is Irritated.

[ZoeRipper]

Okay, you guys now fully have the rights to tell me whether or not I'm being a stupid whiney teenager or are my frustrations legitimate.

The story is that Ryan's mom, my mother in law (MiL for short) has racked up $1200 in cell phone charges somehow. She bought 4 new phones all in the same month, whereas only one was needed. And of course she can't pay it, because she "lost her job". (I'm thinking she quit and told everyone she was fired because it sounds more drama-y) And so I'm the only one in the household with a cell phone that works and of course, she takes custody of it. Uh, we've got a home phone that works. You don't absolutely need my phone. And so I've been quietly accepting that while I live at her house, I'm under her rules. And I think I've been very nice about everything. If she needs the computer, I immediately stop what I'm doing and let her on. If she needs my phone, I tell whoever I may be texting that I'll talk to them later and hand her the phone. I'd just like the same courtesy. If anyone calls my phone asking for her, I hand her the phone. If I know someone is calling for her, I run and give her my phone. But do I get the same courtesy? NO. My grandmother called, and I didn't find out till the next day. My dad called and texted, I also didn't find out till the next day. A potential employer called and wanted to set up an interview. And when did I find all this out? The next day.

I AM SICK OF IT!!

And today, the last thing that just set me off, is she was talking on the home phone to someone, comes into my room and says "Hey, I need your phone.", grabs it off my nightstand and walks out. Later, when I was in the living room, she comes out and gets something from the kitchen. I asked if I could have my phone back and she said "Not yet, I'm texting on it." An hour later I go see if I can have it back, and she's asleep. So I took my phone and see if I got any texts.. None. And not just no new messages, she deleted my entire inbox. I am BEYOND pissed. I had information in there from family members. I had conversations that I wanted to save. Guess what? ALL GONE. ALL ###### GONE. And I am SO ###### BEYOND PISSED OFFFFFFFFFFF!!!

Tell me. Am I being an overreacting, whiney teenager? Or is this a legit reason to be mad?

What can I do? I'm searching like mad for a job so I can get the heck out, but in this economy it's difficult.

I just wanna get out so bad...

I hate it here.

I honestly, truly hate living here.

The only reason I haven't gone back to living with some member of my family is that I'm married to Ryan.

And to be honest, his mother is wearing down our relationship. We get mad at eachother alot more often, and haven't slept in the same bed for weeks. (But that's because he snores like an elephant, lol)

Oh I am so ready to get out!

 

[hierodula]

I personally don't think your over reacting. If someone irresponsible took my things and used it. I would be annoyed, but then if they deleted ALL info on it I would be Beyond pissed :angry: and , I would tell them and if they didn't care, then I would do the same to them. So, I don't think you are overreacting.

 

[davestreasurechest]

No, you are not overreacting, you are in a situation nonetheless and have to make the best of it! I know its probably hard to talk to Ryans mom and also talk to Ryan about his mom, but just as you respect her home she should respect you,and he should respect you b/c you are his wife,....keep a cool head, i know you are young but are probably the most reasonable, If you cant talk to anyone,talk to the mantid ,..at least they will listen and not argue or talk back,...

 

[Katnapper]

I don't think you are overreacting either, Zoe. She has you under her roof, and under her thumb... and she likes, wants, and is taking advantage of it. You need to hopefully find a job (does Ryan work or have income (besides in a band?), get some foam earplugs, and get the heck out of her house.

I know that's easier said than done. But she's using you living there, and her age and "authority" to manipulate and use you to her advantage. I'm not sure if it would help or make things worse if you stood up to her and said "No." (you can't use my phone... use your own. But the longer she "controls" you and Ryan, the worse things will get. If you stood up to her, what do you think she'd do? Kick you guys out? Is that the worst that could happen? Is there any alternative to living at her place? You'd be much better off.

Just because you're a young adult doesn't give someone the right to walk all over or use you. You may be young, but you're still an individual with inherent rights and who deserves to be treated with respect. I suspect she may be hoping to cause a rift or waves between you and Ryan because you are replacing her as her son's main "significant person." She is likely trying to gain control any way she can, and of anything she can. But she can only do so if you let her. I do understand you are trying to be nice, and it's his mother. But mature adults don't treat each other that way; and you do not deserve to be bullied into submission by her.

Make a concerted effort to look for a job and a cheap apartment. It may not be much... but it will have a positive effect and influence on your feelings about your life, your worthiness, your marriage, and your independence. I would do whatever it takes to get out of there if it were me. Do you have a support network of your own family and/or friends? Regardless, it's up to you to change the situation... or she will keep using and controlling you (and Ryan). I really feel for you, as it seems this is a tough and potentially sticky situation. But keep in mind... you will make it through, and this page will turn. Resolve yourself to that end.

Sometimes it takes hitting bottom, or becoming just so fed up to instigate a change. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise to precipitate a new direction in life for you, and your marriage. From what I know of you, you're a good person; and you are entitled to take control and change things in your life now. I believe you have the drive and strength to do it... it's just a matter of making it happen. I believe in you, and you need to believe in and respect YOU. You are worthy of being respected and having your own life.... and I wish the best for you to make it happen soon.

 

[Orin]

Are you paying her rent?

 

[PhilinYuma]

Zoe: Of course you have very right to be mad. I agree with what Katt and others have said, but here are some more thoughts.

In a depressed economy, you won't get a full time job without a HS diploma or GCE. I understand that you would have no trouble passing the exam tomorrow, but in OK you need your school counselor's consent, and he is not going to want to give it for fear that other kids will drop out and start work two years early. There are ways around this, and I will be happy to discuss them with you if you wish.

Ryan, on the other hand, is 18 and has his diploma. It's time that he stepped up, got a job and stood up for you, his wife, to his mother, but I also know that my saying that and your being able to implement it are two different things.

I suspect that MiL's attitude toward you may be worse than even you think, for reasons that are not worth going into here. If you have any support systems other than your mother, you might want to start cultivating them.

Kindly, well meaning folk may tell you that rebellion at 16 is natural and that in fact, yr MiL and mother are not as bad as you think and that they really have yr best interest at heart. I have spent enough time with such adults to know that this just isn't true.

None of this is right, and believe no one who says that it is. You should be getting comfort and support, not hassles and weak kneed defense. I think that you know at some level, at an age when most of your peers have nothing more to worry about than what they should wear to the prom, that your ultimate support and best friend is Zoe; fortunately, she is a very good friend to have. Though I am most sorry for the predicament that you are in, you are one of the very few 16 yr olds that I have known, and I have known many, who have what it takes to come out on top.

I am quite sure that you will be asleep when I post this, so Good Morning, and have a good day!

 

[Peter Clausen]

I'm an open-minded parent with a 16 year old daughter, so I have to ask the obvious...

Who pays your cell phone bill?

(Like Orin, also a father, I wonder about whether you pay rent or not or whether you contribute to any of the other household bills. If she's paying for your phone, sorry but that ain't YOUR phone!) If you are in a bill-sharing household (you contribute financially), then you might consider that your cell phone is also a shared resource for the household's use. Of course, some "fair" rules would be nice and most loving parents are happy to share. It sounds like she is sharing! But if my daughter weren't sharing our one household cell phone during a financial crisis, the phone would simply be mine the moment she displayed a sense of entitlement (ownership/being spoiled). (An example of "entitlement" is the repeated use of the phrase "my phone". Reread your post.)

If she's paying the bill, then fairness is not a factor. You would simply be lucky to have a cell phone at all in these circumstances. Assuming she does pay the bill for it, you might simply remove yourself from the situation by giving the phone to her. As she can rely on the house phone, so can you.

If I have wasted all my time taking an opposite perspective from the other "supportive" types here on the forum, it is because you failed to mention who pays the bill in the first place.

Now, if you are paying the cell phone bill the foremost concern (and my first thought as a read) is whether you've checked your recent usage records for the phone??? Given her recent usage history it is quite likely she has gone beyond your minutes and text allowances and you won't have this problem much longer because "your" phone will soon be shut off too!

I have been kicked out of homes I was living in for reasons as stupid as the smell of a fish tank that was a girlfriend's (in a previous life). My vote was to get rid of the two fish and keep the roof over our heads. My vote was nulled when my girlfriend argued with her stepfather to the point where he kicked her (us) out. I don't doubt that your living situation is a stressful one, but the next place will be even worse if you are not prepared to be there. And a lesson to all...beware of stinky fish, dead fish and the pets they keep!

 

[Rick]

I have to agree with Orin and Peter here. Need more info as Peter said. However, I would say the MIL acts a bit immature herself.

 

[massaman]

I would hand her the newspaper and tell her to look for a job so she can pay for things herself and tell her that unless she gets her own income you wont let her use anything of yours ever again but that might be a bad idea but it can not hurt to just explain to her that she has no right to take your stuff without asking first as its prob the same wah you have to ask to borrow something from her but it goes both ways and to get something you have to give at the same time!

 

[Orin]

But if my daughter weren't sharing our one household cell phone during a financial crisis, the phone would simply be mine the moment she displayed a sense of entitlement (ownership/being spoiled). (An example of "entitlement" is the repeated use of the phrase "my phone". Reread your post.)

Even if you're paying for the phone and not rent you sound selfish. I started to write a longer message the first time with a quesion about the phone bill but I think it goes without saying you should cancel the phone if it even begins to get out of hand. I assumed you were paying your own phone bill but as an adult you should be saving that money for your down payment, not blowing it on texting people. I think your mother-in-law should be considerate of your feelings but your actions play a large part.

 

[ZoeRipper]

The phone is paid for by neither me nor her. It is paid for by a grandparent.

No, we do not pay rent.

And no, Ryan never does take a stand for me. He's the "non confrontational" sort.

Also, my support network is my grandparents and then my dad, but he lives an hour and a half away, therefore isn't always there.

My other option of where to live would either go back to living with my mom, and she said if that happens then Ryan most certainly can not come too. The same was said by my grandmother.

I have had 3 job interviews, so far all are busts.

I had one yesterday, in fact, that as soon as I saw the guy I knew I wasn't gonna get it. Still tried, though.

 

[PhilinYuma]

Even if you're paying for the phone and not rent you sound selfish. I started to write a longer message the first time with a quesion about the phone bill but I think it goes without saying you should cancel the phone if it even begins to get out of hand. I assumed you were paying your own phone bill but as an adult you should be saving that money for your down payment, not blowing it on texting people. I think your mother-in-law should be considerate of your feelings but your actions play a large part.

I really think that you mean well, Orin. You are hopelessly, perhaps grotesquely wrong, as Zoe's reply should have made clear, but without the facts, as you yourself admit, you are ready to find this child "selfish".

Zoe has broken one of the fundamental rules that govern our third world society. She got pregnant out of wedlock, was married under the aegis of both children's mothers, "to give the baby a name", and lost the child after she was married. Forget the nonsense about "Christian union". Without the child that would have removed any hope of realizing the possibilities suggested by her seriously high intelligence, she is an embarrassment. Her MiL and mother want the marriage ended, as should be quite clear to you, given MiL's, mother's and grandmother's attitudes/statements. Add to that the fact that she is unemployable at age 16 without a GED which her school will not let her take, a husband who is divided in his allegiance between his wife (where it belongs, if I have read the bible correctly) and his mother (where it does not), and you have a child treated as a child when she wishes to achieve advancement, and as an "adult" as a married, emancipated minor, when such a classification can be counted to her disadvantage.

Zoe is one of the tiny minority of children who, despite the censorious judgments of those who should know better, will succeed. Our support of her or our failure to support her will have no effect on this final success, but it might be nice to support her, if only to be on the winning side.

I always delight in your readiness to enter verbal combat, Orin, but I and my opinions are not the issue here. She is no more perfect than you or I, but at the moment, she needs our support, however inadequate that might be. I think that your heart is in the right place and am sure that you will want to give it to her.

 

[Krissim Klaw]

Do you have a right to vent, yes. Is she being a twat, yes. That being said, it comes down to what is most important to you. Do you want to continue living rent free in her house bad enough that your willing to sacrifice your phone or not? That is what it comes down to. You don't have to be anyone's doormat, but that also means you have to be willing to walk on your own if they decide to kick you out when you won't let them continue to clean their muddy boots on your back.

It sounds like you do have some loving family members out there. I would strongly suggest looking into possibly moving in with them even if it means leaving Ryan behind for a bit. Neither of you sound as if you are ready to live together because neither of you can support yourselves. If you both really are in love than spending a year or two living apart while you get your lives and careers in order is your best bet at a successful long term relationship. Who knows, maybe leaving Ryan will help to prod him into looking for a job and getting his butt in gear to help get you both a place you can call your own.

 

[PhilinYuma]

For my money, that's the most sensible and helpful advice yet. Life's a beach.

 

[Rick]

Do you have a right to vent, yes. Is she being a twat, yes. That being said, it comes down to what is most important to you. Do you want to continue living rent free in her house bad enough that your willing to sacrifice your phone or not? That is what it comes down to. You don't have to be anyone's doormat, but that also means you have to be willing to walk on your own if they decide to kick you out when you won't let them continue to clean their muddy boots on your back.

It sounds like you do have some loving family members out there. I would strongly suggest looking into possibly moving in with them even if it means leaving Ryan behind for a bit. Neither of you sound as if you are ready to live together because neither of you can support yourselves. If you both really are in love than spending a year or two living apart while you get your lives and careers in order is your best bet at a successful long term relationship. Who knows, maybe leaving Ryan will help to prod him into looking for a job and getting his butt in gear to help get you both a place you can call your own.

Good post right here. I married young myself. It lasted a few years. Looking back I see how big of a mistake that was. There should be a minimum age to get married. I think about 25 would be good.

 

[Katnapper]

Do you have a right to vent, yes. Is she being a twat, yes. That being said, it comes down to what is most important to you. Do you want to continue living rent free in her house bad enough that your willing to sacrifice your phone or not? That is what it comes down to. You don't have to be anyone's doormat, but that also means you have to be willing to walk on your own if they decide to kick you out when you won't let them continue to clean their muddy boots on your back.

It sounds like you do have some loving family members out there. I would strongly suggest looking into possibly moving in with them even if it means leaving Ryan behind for a bit. Neither of you sound as if you are ready to live together because neither of you can support yourselves. If you both really are in love than spending a year or two living apart while you get your lives and careers in order is your best bet at a successful long term relationship. Who knows, maybe leaving Ryan will help to prod him into looking for a job and getting his butt in gear to help get you both a place you can call your own.

I also agree this is sage advice. I would strongly consider it.

 

[PhilinYuma]

Good post right here. I married young myself. It lasted a few years. Looking back I see how big of a mistake that was. There should be a minimum age to get married. I think about 25 would be good.

Ouch, Rick! The illegitimacy rate in NC is already over 45% (and a lot higher in AZ). What will happen when all women under 25 will be having illegitimate kids?

 

[Rick]

Ouch, Rick! The illegitimacy rate in NC is already over 45% (and a lot higher in AZ). What will happen when all women under 25 will be having illegitimate kids?

Didn't think about that! In any case, I was 18 the first time I got married.

 

[batsofchaos]

My wife and I got maried at 23 and 22 respectively. Before we were married, she had a daughter in high school at 15. She was involved with her daughter's father for a little over six years, before ending it with him. There is a lot of personal story between the two of us, her daughter, and her ex that I'm glossing over, but this is not the place to get into it, and I am not the type to broadcast it on the internet. But, to get to the relevant points, I have perspective on this as a witness to the treatment of my wife by her ex's family.

At fifteen my wife moved in with her ex (who was 14 at the time) and her ex's parents and sister. The three years she lived there were a horror story for her that I've only heard about second-hand. Her privacy was often violated, she had personal property stolen from her and destroyed, and was made to feel about as welcome as a skunk. Your situation might not be quite as terrible as what she went through, but it has the same ring to it.

I might be mistaken and where I can see a glimmer of malevolence there is only selfishness or thoughtlessness.

If it's the former, the only thing you can do is decide whether you're going to grin and bear it or not. My wife bore it for three years until she and her ex could move out and her relationship with her ex disintegrated for different reasons, but she may have decided to not take it. It's up to you what you can and can't take. Taking it is probably easier now and gives you a position to job-hunt, save money, and plan your escape without much financial responsibility, but if you can't take it, you can't take it.

If it's the latter, try to understand and accept people for their faults. There are plenty of people in my day to day life that I have to deal with who are simply thoughtless, selfish, and/or kinda stupid. I can't hold those faults against them, it's who they are. The best thing to do is expect them to not be on the ball so when they aren't you're not disappointed and/or left in the lurch. So, if you know she's thoughtless and delete-happy with things that aren't hers, be sure to copy down important info. If you know she's slow about getting back to you about missed calls, make a point to ask her 'any calls?' every once in a while. Hopefully you'll annoy her enough that she starts telling you regularly to keep you from asking her. But, even with the additional understanding and the tools to cope and combat this, you're left with deciding whether you can grin and bear it or not. My wife bore it for three years until she and her ex could move out and her relationship with her ex disintegrated for different reasons, but she may have decided to not take it. It's up to you what you can and can't take. Taking it is probably easier now and gives you a position to job-hunt, save money, and plan your escape without much financial responsibility, but if you can't take it, you can't take it.

The latter, you're left playing the same coping games, but with an understanding that they're TRYING to get under your skin. Try to not let them succeed. Build the coping mechanisms to not be surprised by the behavior and minimize the damage said behavior can do to you and your relationships/job search/etc.

I wish you the best of luck.